I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
You Might Also Like
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Poetry is my passion
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…