If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl