I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
no regrets
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.