they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.