Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
You Might Also Like
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Brb my Sims are getting married
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Has there ever been a more American story?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Omg 🤣
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy