No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away