(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My neck, my back, my…
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.