paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking