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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i- i did not expect this
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.