[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence