sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
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and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no