In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You Might Also Like
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.