[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You Might Also Like
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Harsh but fair
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.