I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me