Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.