Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Finally, an explanation.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.