hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?