Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
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The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??