has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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best first i’ve ever seen
I hate everything
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???