Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.