[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.