my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
You Might Also Like
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside