Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…