My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!