the battle rages on
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Do not levitate over flowers
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell