I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I did not eat the cake…
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*