I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.