British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
they really do be looking like this
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.