my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
They got a point!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁