i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.