Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My last name is Zilla.
is this a threat
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar