we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
No. YOU-buprofen.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.