Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Raisins are grape jerky.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.