[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants