You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
If a snake ate a cake
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.