Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
You Might Also Like
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts