[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
North and South
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.