The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually