[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
how to market bottled water to dads
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
two people or more is called a problem
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.