The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.