The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Important
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.