My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.