[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*