Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
thanksgiving in nutshell
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.