(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Who.
Did.
This?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined