“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Running your mouth is not cardio.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.