Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
i will not be silenced
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one