*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Hello Twits.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I have questions??
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.