Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated