You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.